Sometimes, i will feel very lonely.. not having a person who truly understand me or truly know me.. not even my family, and i dun even have any best friend now.. i mean friend that are closer to me... somehow to the one i called as best friend in past few months or etc, i felt betrayed by her.. but, its ok ... its her choice ... wanting to be with who its her choice, nor i did make any effort to be friend with her again.. Although i did ask her out for dinner once after that fight we had, but well.. to be truth i was really disappointed.. she tried to ask me out once for drinks, but due to the assignment i need to handle that time, i denied her.. and she didn't try to approach me agn.. yet she's my good friend, i mean closest friend to me (in the past).. why didn't she try 1 more time, why didn't she put more effort when dealing with me? she always have problem with her other friends, but she always try so hard to be friends with them. when its me, i dunno.. maybe she thinks that i will always be there. Do you know how i feel when i saw her suddenly get so close with the other friend after we rarely meet? to me it seems like i am not needed. Did she know how i feel when i approached her for dinner and she just put almost all her time with her other best friend over me? i am like a outsider in 'their' group.. well tell you the truth that feeling is not good.. Why didn't try to approach me once more? Why don't she put more effort in having me as a friend? you know i was really tired of this.. i didnt want to approach her anymore, until she approach me.. just once, what i want is just once.. just once i hoped that she will really put effort in our friendship.. In the past, i was so frustrate, i tried and tried and tried to be close with her..and finally i convinced myself to let her go.. i do not want to care anymore.. but in the end we got back as closer friend.. yet when there's a problem with our friendship again.. i can see she did not put much effort into holding our friendship.. even when she's going to graduate.. truly i'm very disappointed with her.. but its ok .. again, its her choice.. i cannot control her nor her life.. well maybe she's disappointed with me as well? not that i care anymore now~ Yes after that, i was adapted to living alone~ although i was alone from the start, well you can say i was being even more alone now~ without true friends or family by my side.. yes i do not have really close relationship with my family members, i know that, but they are truly the best family i can get, they are kind and treat me so well.. but its just that they dont understand the real me.. again, its ok .. i don't blame them.. im at fault as well.. because i dun really give them chance to know the real me.. but somehow i get lonely.. even though i have adapted or used to being alone.. well they say humans are "herd" creatures, they need to be with their flock. Anyhow, i have myself to depend on.. so its ok.. people will be alone eventually.. so its not a big matter.. its just that sometimes im very lonely.. sometimes, well you can say most of the time im very happy being alone~ i didnt need to put on masks in front of people or even instant messaging.. i hate that alot.. really i hoped i can show everyone who i am, who i truly am.. i did.. tried...just a bit.. but~ well you know~ people don't like~ so i create distant with them, not too close, not too far... but there's a wall between it. because i really hoped that i will have someone who know who i truly am and happy for it.. [although the real me is not that good~ haha, well anyhow i still want someone who know me for who i am not that stupid mask ] whether is couple, friend or family or etc~ but i know i shouldnt hope to much, because i did not put effort on knowing who they truly are as well.. again i didnt blame anyone ~ despite the fact that i wanted someone who know who i truly am, i still hoped that no one knows me, even if i will be very lonely.. because the burden arose when you really want them in your life, wanted to be as good as possible so they don't get away from you, from your life... well this happens with the ex-closest friend i said earlier in this post. she knows a lot about me, but den again she don't really know me.. you know this is kinda complicated shit~ well what ever~ since our relationship have degraded from "closest friend" to well what can i say~ normal friend. just a title and feelings~ not much anyway~ we are still friend~ but den again~[as a conclusion] from all those lonely shit i have said~ i preferred to be alone.. and i am really happy with it~ human contact or relationship now really burden me.. and well you know my communication skill really below normal~ cause living alone for so many years~ blabla~ again~ alone banzai!!! its lonely sometimes~ not all the time~ i love to be alone~ so BANZAI!!~ XDD

for me XD